Tuesday, December 20, 2011


How can I love you
when I know 
that you must someday leave?
My throat already tight,
trying to keep captive
the love that dances inside me
to the rhythm of my heart beat,
a mournful tune
already crying for a love
that has only just begun.

Why should I love you
when I know
that only pain shall come of it?
My eyes that look at you
with desire and compassion
already anticipate 
the tears that threaten
to become a fixture
in my life after you.

© Antonio Beardall

A Game of Words

The golden crown of reverence
Upon an aged head sits,
Casts an empty light of glamour
Beating the ‘strange’ to bits.

Your words amaze the plebs’ delight
And weaklings sing your praise,
Your monarch pen can cast them stars
To keep them full for days.

Your words lack tact but pass as law
And thoughts are hymns and creed,
Within your sight they genuflect
And your commandments heed.

Run the shadows, fleeing bellows
That strange a picture paint,
Not to follow royal decrees
To keep it ever quaint.

Spout your meters, lifeless verses
In lines of two or four,
And shining gems not your color 
Please gladly do ignore.

© Antonio Beardall


Sober... You were sober
empty of regret
and smiling
as we promised for tomorrow
another blissful union

In my dream,
my hallucination,
you were love
and I was the rain
that nourished you

Deep in your eyes
I swam in calm waters,
your words lyrical
your tone the harp strings
that played our song

Absent was sorrow
for only warmth and comfort
could fit in between
our tight embrace.
our eyes entranced

And as the sun rose
so did my eyes open
beholding the emptiness
that is my room
and was my heart

© Antonio Beardall

At A Glance

In my dreams
all I see are glimpses of you
through the parting grass

Your scent carried softly
like a sad memory
to my receptors

I run after you
“Chase me” you call
teasing, laughing, hiding

But I can never run fast enough
held back by weeds
that trap your fading voice

And unto the clearing
I finally see you standing
back turned, face to the sun

Breathless I run to you
and wake up to realize
I have forgotten your face

© Antonio Beardall

Bitter Buffet

I don't want smiles
to brighten my day,
save your joy
but share your misery
in this potluck
of misfortune,
savour my ingratitude
that a new day
brought only wretched sunlight
to do away with soothing night

Spare me metaphors
of wounds healing,
as the dawn rises from dusk
these scars still tingle,
and this severed vein
shall bleed eternally,
with no sweet wish
thick enough
to be my tourniquet

© Antonio Beardall


Why do I yearn
to run again and again
through fields of black wheat?

Aromatic poison wafting
through smiles of decoration,
and lips so hot they breathe fire
upon kisses

Radioactive signs mean nothing,
when chemicals blind
and you walk into danger
under the guise of free will

Still, if Jesus stood upon
blackened mounts with befouled earth,
i would crawl through sludge and over
the brokenhearted to get another parable

© Antonio Beardall

Chinatown Back Alley

They threatened us.

Death spat in my face,
my lover at my side
crying and begging
for another chance

Funny how I can remember
the smell of rotting vegetables
in the dank of midnight steam,
cats fighting,
maybe trying not to become
steak on the menu

Guns in my face
yelling “DEATH TO FAGS,”
not as terrible
as the scuff on my shoe,
embracing Death,
and asking to be carried away

Even the gunshot
did not distract me
from focusing on a cockroach
busy nibbling on rotting cabbage,
and as They ran off
I sank into sadness
as his blood touched me
and left me alive

© Antonio Beardall


Mindless intoxicated
hours and miles
beat for beat
two sweaty bodies
aching yearning hearts
become one

The fire in ice
kept your blood
burning hot
but created dreams
far too scary
for one night’s rest

I watched you suffer,
drawing me into
the trickling poison
that became your soul
blinded to truth
revived in lies

I felt me suffer,
hoping to believe
your ghosts were real,
and danced with your demons
until they became mine
adding to my menagerie

Your flight in panic
left me with wonder
swimming in regret
endless questions to plague
a mind already tortured
and heart again broken

© Antonio Beardall

Drunken Phone-call

Vodka gracefully burned
its way through my veins,
my brain glowing
with the ecstasy
of that 80 proof

And like a stalker
in the shaded wood,
Regret and Sorrow emerged
to murder that villain
called Glee and Laughter
without remorse

As the glow was snuffed
Sin and Misery
danced in to join
the party that was lit
by bright flashes of memory
long buried

Smiling was abolished
and swept away
by the tears
that cracked through
the wall once built
to cage in Love 

© Antonio Beardall


I lose all hope and I hate you
wishing we never met,
cursing you for making me feel
that we had a chance,
I hide in my room, away from the world,
being a slave to the silence;
yet I see myself floating with you
high in the clouds without chains,
and when I look in your eyes
I begin to contemplate, and understand
that from the pain you bring
I will find love

So I surrender to you
finding the quiet peace within,
that comes from a prayer
that fell like stardust
traveling on the torment
that is everlasting hope 

© Antonio Beardall

Failed DNR

Are you lonely in your mind?
You stare, see...
Another world that's all your own,
Just you...

Or are there many demons
who come to dance, with you?
And is it me, who is lonely,
In this world, out here?

Why are you clinging on to life?
Plugged in, drift...
Cold and motionless you lie,
You dream...

Eyes so blank, never blinking
Can you see us cry?
Tired lungs, electric breathing
Do you long to die? 

© Antonio Beardall


The dancing sunlight
crept to the forest floor
and gave me life to grow

I clung to your proud trunk
and struggled against darkness
to get to the top

My roots sank in
and nourished me
with the love within your veins

Yet your love like poison
tried in vain
to shake off my sweet words

I ignored the Lianas
already hanging on your beauty
and tried to outshine them

But your cold ways
left me no choice
but to strangle you

Now you are but an empty husk
a dead remnant for happy termites
to relish in my murder 

© Antonio Beardall

I See You

Your eyes reflect
a glaze of emptiness
complimenting your face
with its stoic ideology

Those permanent headphones
glued to your ears
help to seal out the world's pollution,
and gives you insight
into the troubles of others

You wander aimlessly
loathing your invisibility
yet basking in your nothingness,
that scream for help
shall never be heard

Then you go home
your lair of private regrets
hiding in your non-existence,
but when you look deeply
in the bathroom mirror
I see you 

© Antonio Beardall

I Wonder What Noah Would Do

Lightning strikes,
the sky ablaze
in daylight through dark-night
as if God himself
was taking one last snapshot
before drowning us in rain,
His can of Raid

His lawn once proudly green,
Japanese gardens, kind fountains
like the once sweetly chatting brooks
that kept us company,
now patches of ugly brown
dead earth, sky scraping weeds
trying in vain to be the tallest mockery

His plan is clean cut
and labelled well for the days ahead,
purifying through fire and smoke
and landscaping the tiny anthills
into oblivion, before washing us all away
and polishing his floors once again
for those fit to walk on it
after removing their shoes

© Antonio Beardall


The shadow is on me,
weighing on my lids
blank stares, iris cold
limbs emaciated and dead

I crave nothing but
further emptiness,
walking empty shell
sad lonely husk

Overcast covers dreaded smiles
of golden sunlight,
bitter winds know best
how to keep my stride

I lie damned, sinking
deeper into black water
feet still not touching the bottom
with little hopes of getting back to the top 

© Antonio Beardall


Are you happy where you are
You have pushed away too far
In hope

To satisfy your illusions,
For them you hide,
But still you wait, no conclusions
To pain inside.

Do you still lie to yourself,
To dream
That it’s better than before,

To waste away, your emotions,
To give no one,
The death of love, and devotion,
You come undone.

Your tears fall on lonely cheeks
Mourn ahead, a love this weak
Soon gone.

Now sit alone, slowly wither
I look away,
A love once strong, lost forever
Slowly decays.
© Antonio Beardall

Little Boy

I sing to you Little Boy,
A lullaby that shall burn you,
Scar you, whip you, pierce you

Learn to dwell in the madness,
Accept the nightmare, for it is good
And will keep those wounds open
To bleed forever

Circle your hate, swallow the grief
And if you smile, your scars shall become
Invisible, you shall soon forget how to cry

Now Little Boy, don't hate me,
For as you were born of love
I was born from despair

Little Boy, stay little forever
And never grow to feel
All the pain poured unto you 

© Antonio Beardall

Murder of Poetry

Such pretension
hanging in the air
making the room smell
of mediocrity

Yet dancing monkeys
sing to the organ tune
and the bored man
claims it a masterpiece

How many roses
with many different names
smell just as sweet
as the manure they grow in
The zirconium dazzles
and pollutes the diamonds
that remain unseen
under all that illusion 

© Antonio Beardall
I trusted you
yet now my sleep
is haunted
by the chemical smells
of the washroom floor, 
the last imprint
of consciousness
on my sleepy mind

Mother always warned
about the kindness of strangers
offering pretty colors
in crystal goblets,
warned to drink
from the tap
and not from lust

My torn underwear
pay homage to her cries,
my innocence shredded
and sore,
your smile and cologne
to mock me,

My shame a guarantee
of silence 

© Antonio Beardall

In Need of a Rite

Thou fallen one
creator of fear and misery,
why should you fall upon me
and sway me with your trickery?

You Balam, You Baal,
moans and groans, your crying
from being cast off
a mighty throne,
to frolic now in my bedroom,
in the shadows of a tormenting night,
against me who sometimes
lacks the will to fight?

Breathing whispers, ferocious rabid growls,
the hiss of the great Serpent
lying unseen and waiting
for me to lose all will and hope,
to take me over as your host,
You most vile of parasites

But I fear no longer,
and shall not be cast from my bed,
I shall stare Thee in the eyes
cry unto you "Demon! I will not go easy!"
for as I am created in HIS image,
so shall HE have power over YOU
albeit I am a great sinner,
HIS blood has washed me clean

O great tyrant, my body is but flesh
but my soul eternal belongs to another

© Antonio Beardall

Not So Usual

I like some pretties,
delightful ditties,
Oh, give me some of those,
and records that weren't obscene
can they stop being mean

Those curvy hotties
without skinny bodies
eating apple pie a-la-mode,
true stars on the silvery screen
and virginal beauty queens

But now if you want some fun,
you can always get a gun,
and shoot some fag
out in a drag,
they're not so usual 

© Antonio Beardall

Passion Forgotten

Just like the sun rises
Over the east
And the ticking clock,
So shall bodies wither
And souls burn out
To form new stars.

With youth in passion,
And youth who forgot,
The colors vibrant
And shadows dark,
Become dust in time
And spirits’ whispers.

For great minds long gone
But etched on the world
And faces that look
Through pools of water,
The candle’s burned out
But smoke rises forever.

© Antonio Beardall

Red Mourning

The crimson silk kimono
hangs over her body
carrying the soul of tradition
and the pride of ancestry

Her voice sings mournfully
to the gods who were abandoned
for poisonous smoke
over the touch of incense

She cries for her children
not yet born, who will
never see her dance
the praises of the dragon

The silk road has vanished
under the weight of pavement
red ribbons long blown away
now oil stains on the earth

Demure and saddened
she watches the dragon fly
red scales of the Orient
disappear into the sun

© Antonio Beardall

Sweet Hypnotic Induced Hallucination

The smell of burnt rice
captures the memory
in the company of
Daddy Long Legs,
voices I try to drown
but have no more
enamel to grind on,
the sticky heat
not helping
the booming voices
after midnight
chattering over
combo movements
distracting me
from the black spot
that has accompanied me
for years.

Old long legs
sits quietly
and waits to
dine perhaps
on the mosquito
that drank my wine
a few moments ago.

Dare I think green
leave off the cooling
enjoy the hum
of the icebox
imagining myself
tomorrow’s lunch
wrapped in wrap?

Fuck it.

The world will smile
at me sleeping soundly
under the Frigidaire
dreaming of a green tree.

© Antonio Beardall

The Dark Sonnet

These walls do mock and silently move in
They talk in jest, false promises do lie, 
Me on the bed, to wallow in my sin
Aching heart can't cry but just emotes a sigh.
I can see through the fear, nice try they say
You lie to yourself, but your eyes they show
That the fire's gone cold, so think what you may
Us four can see and will forever know.
We've no mirrors, but we can reflect pain
And this room, your tomb, just as is your head
For therein you scream, though to you you're sane
It's us four that will be the judge instead.
        Scrub hard but that stain remains on your soul,
        Not 'nuff pieces to make you once more whole.

© Antonio Beardall

The Sonata

The tones on the piano
change as each tear falls,
hits the ground, and dies.
The tune of the piano
gets sadder, more desolate,
after each sob and sigh.
The pitch of my voice
matches that of the foghorn
blowing in the stillness.
The pain in my voice
grows with each cry,
drowning out the world.

© Antonio Beardall

The Straight and Narrow

Treacherous choirs from heaven,
lullabies come as if from the sirens
to lead me blindly, to admire the stars,
as I ignore the blades that stab at me.

My blood runs scarlet, falls to the earth
like a sacrifice to some vengeful god,
believing the lies that the hosts tell,
in the light I shall find peace.

The Dark Times long gone
held a promise of escape from the knife,
sinister songs held truth,
as much as the demons could spew.

But here came Justice with sword aflame
to wipe away the corrupted and soiled,
to lead us blindly down that road
that exchanges free will for salvation.

© Antonio Beardall

To a Dying Mother

Silent, unmoving,
On a bed as worn
As the rag you are dressed in,
Tears forming in your eyes,
Knowing what's coming,
An end to it all

But mine still lies ahead,
The wind howling outside
Reminds me that the world
Can be like your heart,
Cold and scathing
For I needed to bleed
To prove my worth

Yet my love I give you,
But there's nothing more
That you can do
But wait out the days
Till your eyes are closed
And dream forever, a silent memory

So carry your tears now,
For none shall be shed
After you're gone,
To water the chances
That somewhere in that world
Forgiveness can grow

And as your blood turns
To ash inside your veins,
The light weeps not for your soul
But darkness forever more
Shall sprout from those seeds
You planted in me,
So carry on, dream

© Antonio Beardall

Unto Deliverance

Even the bitter winter cold
carries more warmth
than the shattered
jewel that was once my heart

I am a spectre
a wraith that shuns the sun
that shies away from the smiles
and laughter of those yet alive

my covered eyes
never reveal the anger and pain
and fake smiles assure the breathers
I mean them no harm

the remnants of my soul
now bitter memories
of a time my heart could feel
and my mind was at peace

oh father, how I have sinned,
I have given up on myself
long before your angels could come
and bestow grace and forgiveness

© Antonio Beardall

Your Mistress

The eggshells are dust
And my toes blistered
From always walking soundly

The mirror reflects
The anguish my face conceals
Before it’s prepared
For your approval

This masque we live in
An endless nightmare
You've shackled to me
As a price for love

Your secrets I keep
To save your faces
For the glory of
Unforgiving kin

My banner of life
Floated like feathers
In the wind of my making
Now lies in the dust
As a feast for moths
In your over-sized closet

© Antonio Beardall