...

How can I love you

when I know 

that you must someday leave?

My throat already tight,

trying to keep captive

the love that dances inside me

to the rhythm of my heart beat,

a mournful tune

already crying for a love

that has only just begun.

Why should I love you

when I know

that only pain shall come of it?

My eyes that look at you

with desire and compassion

already anticipate 

the tears that threaten

to become a fixture

in my life after you.

© Antonio Beardall

A Game of Words

The golden crown of reverence

Upon an aged head sits,

Casts an empty light of glamour

Beating the ‘strange’ to bits.

Your words amaze the plebs’ delight

And weaklings sing your praise,

Your monarch pen can cast them stars

To keep them full for days.

Your words lack tact but pass as law

And thoughts are hymns and creed,

Within your sight they genuflect

And your commandments heed.

Run the shadows, fleeing bellows

That strange a picture paint,

Not to follow royal decrees

To keep it ever quaint.

Spout your meters, lifeless verses

In lines of two or four,

And shining gems not your color 

Please gladly do ignore.

© Antonio Beardall

Acceptance

Sober... You were sober

empty of regret

and smiling

as we promised for tomorrow

another blissful union

In my dream,

my hallucination,

you were love

and I was the rain

that nourished you

Deep in your eyes

I swam in calm waters,

your words lyrical

your tone the harp strings

that played our song

Absent was sorrow

for only warmth and comfort

could fit in between

our tight embrace.

our eyes entranced

And as the sun rose

so did my eyes open

beholding the emptiness

that is my room

and was my heart

© Antonio Beardall

At A Glance

In my dreams

all I see are glimpses of you

through the parting grass

Your scent carried softly

like a sad memory

to my receptors

I run after you

“Chase me” you call

teasing, laughing, hiding

But I can never run fast enough

held back by weeds

that trap your fading voice

And unto the clearing

I finally see you standing

back turned, face to the sun

Breathless I run to you

and wake up to realize

I have forgotten your face

© Antonio Beardall

Bitter Buffet

I don't want smiles

to brighten my day,

save your joy

but share your misery

in this potluck

of misfortune,

savour my ingratitude

that a new day

brought only wretched sunlight

to do away with soothing night

Spare me metaphors

of wounds healing,

as the dawn rises from dusk

these scars still tingle,

and this severed vein

shall bleed eternally,

with no sweet wish

thick enough

to be my tourniquet

© Antonio Beardall

Brian

Why do I yearn

to run again and again

through fields of black wheat?

Aromatic poison wafting

through smiles of decoration,

and lips so hot they breathe fire

upon kisses

Radioactive signs mean nothing,

when chemicals blind

and you walk into danger

under the guise of free will

Still, if Jesus stood upon

blackened mounts with befouled earth,

i would crawl through sludge and over

the brokenhearted to get another parable

© Antonio Beardall

Chinatown Back Alley

They threatened us.

Death spat in my face,
my lover at my side
crying and begging
for another chance

Funny how I can remember
the smell of rotting vegetables
in the dank of midnight steam,
cats fighting,
maybe trying not to become
steak on the menu

Guns in my face
yelling “DEATH TO FAGS,”
not as terrible
as the scuff on my shoe,
embracing Death,
and asking to be carried away

Even the gunshot
did not distract me
from focusing on a cockroach
busy nibbling on rotting cabbage,
and as They ran off
I sank into sadness
as his blood touched me
and left me alive

© Antonio Beardall

Currently

Mindless intoxicated

hours and miles

beat for beat

two sweaty bodies

aching yearning hearts

become one

The fire in ice

kept your blood

burning hot

but created dreams

far too scary

for one night’s rest

I watched you suffer,

drawing me into

the trickling poison

that became your soul

blinded to truth

revived in lies

I felt me suffer,

hoping to believe

your ghosts were real,

and danced with your demons

until they became mine

adding to my menagerie

Your flight in panic

left me with wonder

swimming in regret

endless questions to plague

a mind already tortured

and heart again broken

© Antonio Beardall

Drunken Phone-call

Vodka gracefully burned

its way through my veins,

my brain glowing

with the ecstasy

of that 80 proof

intoxication

And like a stalker

in the shaded wood,

Regret and Sorrow emerged

to murder that villain

called Glee and Laughter

without remorse

As the glow was snuffed

Sin and Misery

danced in to join

the party that was lit

by bright flashes of memory

long buried

Smiling was abolished

and swept away

by the tears

that cracked through

the wall once built

to cage in Love 

© Antonio Beardall

Esclava

I lose all hope and I hate you

wishing we never met,

cursing you for making me feel

that we had a chance,

I hide in my room, away from the world,

being a slave to the silence;

yet I see myself floating with you

high in the clouds without chains,

and when I look in your eyes

I begin to contemplate, and understand

that from the pain you bring

I will find love

So I surrender to you

finding the quiet peace within,

that comes from a prayer

that fell like stardust

traveling on the torment

that is everlasting hope 

© Antonio Beardall

Failed DNR

Are you lonely in your mind?

You stare, see...

Another world that's all your own,

Just you...

Or are there many demons

who come to dance, with you?

And is it me, who is lonely,

In this world, out here?

Why are you clinging on to life?

Plugged in, drift...

Cold and motionless you lie,

You dream...

Eyes so blank, never blinking

Can you see us cry?

Tired lungs, electric breathing

Do you long to die? 

© Antonio Beardall

Fig

The dancing sunlight

crept to the forest floor

and gave me life to grow

I clung to your proud trunk

and struggled against darkness

to get to the top

My roots sank in

and nourished me

with the love within your veins

Yet your love like poison

tried in vain

to shake off my sweet words

I ignored the Lianas

already hanging on your beauty

and tried to outshine them

But your cold ways

left me no choice

but to strangle you

Now you are but an empty husk

a dead remnant for happy termites

to relish in my murder 

© Antonio Beardall

I See You

Your eyes reflect

a glaze of emptiness

complimenting your face

with its stoic ideology

Those permanent headphones

glued to your ears

help to seal out the world's pollution,

and gives you insight

into the troubles of others

You wander aimlessly

loathing your invisibility

yet basking in your nothingness,

that scream for help

shall never be heard

Then you go home

your lair of private regrets

hiding in your non-existence,

but when you look deeply

in the bathroom mirror

I see you 

© Antonio Beardall

I Wonder What Noah Would Do

Lightning strikes,

the sky ablaze

in daylight through dark-night

as if God himself

was taking one last snapshot

before drowning us in rain,

His can of Raid

His lawn once proudly green,

Japanese gardens, kind fountains

like the once sweetly chatting brooks

that kept us company,

now patches of ugly brown

dead earth, sky scraping weeds

trying in vain to be the tallest mockery

His plan is clean cut

and labelled well for the days ahead,

purifying through fire and smoke

and landscaping the tiny anthills

into oblivion, before washing us all away

and polishing his floors once again

for those fit to walk on it

after removing their shoes

© Antonio Beardall

Lately

The shadow is on me,

weighing on my lids

blank stares, iris cold

limbs emaciated and dead

I crave nothing but

further emptiness,

walking empty shell

sad lonely husk

Overcast covers dreaded smiles

of golden sunlight,

bitter winds know best

how to keep my stride

I lie damned, sinking

deeper into black water

feet still not touching the bottom

with little hopes of getting back to the top 

© Antonio Beardall

Meltdown

Are you happy where you are

Alone,

You have pushed away too far

In hope

To satisfy your illusions,

For them you hide,

But still you wait, no conclusions

To pain inside.

Do you still lie to yourself,

To dream

That it’s better than before,

Unreal

To waste away, your emotions,

To give no one,

The death of love, and devotion,

You come undone.

Your tears fall on lonely cheeks

Unseen,

Mourn ahead, a love this weak

Soon gone.

Now sit alone, slowly wither

I look away,

A love once strong, lost forever

Slowly decays.

  

© Antonio Beardall

Little Boy

I sing to you Little Boy,

A lullaby that shall burn you,

Scar you, whip you, pierce you

Learn to dwell in the madness,

Accept the nightmare, for it is good

And will keep those wounds open

To bleed forever

Circle your hate, swallow the grief

And if you smile, your scars shall become

Invisible, you shall soon forget how to cry

Now Little Boy, don't hate me,

For as you were born of love

I was born from despair

Little Boy, stay little forever

And never grow to feel

All the pain poured unto you 

© Antonio Beardall

Murder of Poetry

Such pretension

hanging in the air

making the room smell

of mediocrity

Yet dancing monkeys

sing to the organ tune

and the bored man

claims it a masterpiece

How many roses

with many different names

smell just as sweet

as the manure they grow in

The zirconium dazzles

and pollutes the diamonds

that remain unseen

under all that illusion 

© Antonio Beardall

I trusted you

yet now my sleep

is haunted

by the chemical smells

of the washroom floor, 

the last imprint

of consciousness

on my sleepy mind

Mother always warned

about the kindness of strangers

offering pretty colors

in crystal goblets,

warned to drink

from the tap

and not from lust

My torn underwear

pay homage to her cries,

my innocence shredded

and sore,

your smile and cologne

linger,

to mock me,

My shame a guarantee

of silence 

© Antonio Beardall

In Need of a Rite

Thou fallen one

creator of fear and misery,

why should you fall upon me

and sway me with your trickery?

You Balam, You Baal,

moans and groans, your crying

from being cast off

a mighty throne,

to frolic now in my bedroom,

in the shadows of a tormenting night,

against me who sometimes

lacks the will to fight?

Breathing whispers, ferocious rabid growls,

the hiss of the great Serpent

lying unseen and waiting

for me to lose all will and hope,

to take me over as your host,

You most vile of parasites

But I fear no longer,

and shall not be cast from my bed,

I shall stare Thee in the eyes

cry unto you "Demon! I will not go easy!"

for as I am created in HIS image,

so shall HE have power over YOU

albeit I am a great sinner,

HIS blood has washed me clean

O great tyrant, my body is but flesh

but my soul eternal belongs to another

© Antonio Beardall

Not So Usual

I like some pretties,

delightful ditties,

Oh, give me some of those,

and records that weren't obscene

can they stop being mean

Those curvy hotties

without skinny bodies

eating apple pie a-la-mode,

true stars on the silvery screen

and virginal beauty queens

But now if you want some fun,

you can always get a gun,

and shoot some fag

out in a drag,

they're not so usual 

© Antonio Beardall

Passion Forgotten

Just like the sun rises

Over the east

And the ticking clock,

So shall bodies wither

And souls burn out

To form new stars.

With youth in passion,

And youth who forgot,

The colors vibrant

And shadows dark,

Become dust in time

And spirits’ whispers.

For great minds long gone

But etched on the world

And faces that look

Through pools of water,

The candle’s burned out

But smoke rises forever.

© Antonio Beardall

Red Mourning

The crimson silk kimono

hangs over her body

carrying the soul of tradition

and the pride of ancestry

Her voice sings mournfully

to the gods who were abandoned

for poisonous smoke

over the touch of incense

She cries for her children

not yet born, who will

never see her dance

the praises of the dragon

The silk road has vanished

under the weight of pavement

red ribbons long blown away

now oil stains on the earth

Demure and saddened

she watches the dragon fly

red scales of the Orient

disappear into the sun

© Antonio Beardall

Sweet Hypnotic Induced Hallucination

The smell of burnt rice

captures the memory

in the company of

Daddy Long Legs,

voices I try to drown

but have no more

enamel to grind on,

the sticky heat

not helping

the booming voices

after midnight

chattering over

combo movements

distracting me

momentarily

from the black spot

cataract

that has accompanied me

for years.

Old long legs

sits quietly

unnoticed

and waits to

dine perhaps

on the mosquito

that drank my wine

a few moments ago.

Dare I think green

leave off the cooling

enjoy the hum

of the icebox

imagining myself

tomorrow’s lunch

wrapped in wrap?

Fuck it.

The world will smile

at me sleeping soundly

under the Frigidaire

dreaming of a green tree.

© Antonio Beardall

The Dark Sonnet

These walls do mock and silently move in

They talk in jest, false promises do lie, 

Me on the bed, to wallow in my sin

Aching heart can't cry but just emotes a sigh.

I can see through the fear, nice try they say

You lie to yourself, but your eyes they show

That the fire's gone cold, so think what you may

Us four can see and will forever know.

We've no mirrors, but we can reflect pain

And this room, your tomb, just as is your head

For therein you scream, though to you you're sane

It's us four that will be the judge instead.

        Scrub hard but that stain remains on your soul,

        Not 'nuff pieces to make you once more whole.

© Antonio Beardall

The Sonata

The tones on the piano

change as each tear falls,

hits the ground, and dies.

The tune of the piano

gets sadder, more desolate,

after each sob and sigh.

The pitch of my voice

matches that of the foghorn

blowing in the stillness.

The pain in my voice

grows with each cry,

drowning out the world.

© Antonio Beardall

The Straight and Narrow

Treacherous choirs from heaven,

lullabies come as if from the sirens

to lead me blindly, to admire the stars,

as I ignore the blades that stab at me.

My blood runs scarlet, falls to the earth

like a sacrifice to some vengeful god,

believing the lies that the hosts tell,

in the light I shall find peace.

The Dark Times long gone

held a promise of escape from the knife,

sinister songs held truth,

as much as the demons could spew.

But here came Justice with sword aflame

to wipe away the corrupted and soiled,

to lead us blindly down that road

that exchanges free will for salvation.

© Antonio Beardall

To a Dying Mother

Silent, unmoving,

On a bed as worn

As the rag you are dressed in,

Tears forming in your eyes,

Knowing what's coming,

An end to it all

But mine still lies ahead,

The wind howling outside

Reminds me that the world

Can be like your heart,

Cold and scathing

For I needed to bleed

To prove my worth

Yet my love I give you,

Undeserving,

But there's nothing more

That you can do

But wait out the days

Till your eyes are closed

And dream forever, a silent memory

So carry your tears now,

For none shall be shed

After you're gone,

To water the chances

That somewhere in that world

Forgiveness can grow

And as your blood turns

To ash inside your veins,

The light weeps not for your soul

But darkness forever more

Shall sprout from those seeds

You planted in me,

So carry on, dream

© Antonio Beardall

Unto Deliverance

Even the bitter winter cold

carries more warmth

than the shattered

jewel that was once my heart

I am a spectre

a wraith that shuns the sun

that shies away from the smiles

and laughter of those yet alive

my covered eyes

never reveal the anger and pain

and fake smiles assure the breathers

I mean them no harm

the remnants of my soul

now bitter memories

of a time my heart could feel

and my mind was at peace

oh father, how I have sinned,

I have given up on myself

long before your angels could come

and bestow grace and forgiveness

© Antonio Beardall

Your Mistress

The eggshells are dust

And my toes blistered

From always walking soundly

The mirror reflects

The anguish my face conceals

Before it’s prepared

For your approval

This masque we live in

An endless nightmare

You've shackled to me

As a price for love

Your secrets I keep

To save your faces

For the glory of

Unforgiving kin

My banner of life

Floated like feathers

In the wind of my making

Now lies in the dust

As a feast for moths

In your over-sized closet

© Antonio Beardall